“Sparkling Moon”

(calendar and name “Sparkling Moon” by amara snakeroot hollow bones. It’s a beautiful, lovely calendar and amara’s art is stunningly breathtaking. Please see: www.amarahollowbones.com
@amarahollowbones.)

how long has it been?

i hold tight to myself,
shrouded, not yet awake, no longer asleep
sunlight pours into the window, glances off the wall, streams onto my face
i feel its warmth
sadness weighs me down
and despair
loss
fear
betrayal
doubt
greed
self-pity

i cannot remain here forever
but what will counter such regress, retreat, cowardice
i have shunned discipline and abused order,
shame no longer registers,
and have welcomed the shadows of this world i do not recognize

I miss you, mom.
I want to nurture this sadness as the part of you and me I have left.
I never want to leave my dreaming of you …
this chrysalis …
I want to die falling from this limb, thudding to the floor
buried by the leaves, forgotten, deeper year after year
growing cold in the fall, and freezing in the winter
to become fodder again in the spring.
I want to remain with you
conversing as we should have done, laughing
as we told each other the stories of our lives—
mine becoming and yours becoming understood:
the things we did not have, stolen from us by a life we did not choose.
I am gutted beyond measure, ache in echoes throughout all time and place,
beyond explanation
beyond understanding.

but then
(and then),
in the act of
remembering your warmth
your smiles
your voice singing
your eyes dancing
the darkness of your skin and your hair so thick and black
(mine never braided as yours
although we tried) …
i feel you.
and your consciousness will not let me remain
here.

—3/28/2020