beyond reach

i watched you die
she thought
page by page
line by line

you called me here
miles away from you
and days, maybe weeks later
to tell me of pain you did not understand
you should call the doctor
she had said, deeply concerned
but no, you said, that was long ago
and i figured it out
i am all right

exacerbated, she though, why call?
it was always hard to tell with you
you were raised to be self-suficient
and you raised us the same

but for whom were you to be “no trouble”,
”uncomplaining”, and “long-suffering”?
for whose convenience was your ability to present
”solutions not problems”?

certainly not yours
or ours
she ruminated

oh, but ah ….
it was the men who wanted no trouble, who wanted no complaints
it was the men who found our suffering too much, our needs too difficult
our words too hard to hear or comprehend
they wanted their homes clean, their clothes washed, dried and put away
they wanted the dinner when they wanted it
their sleep undisturbed
their desires filled wihout delay
they wanted their sex parts eased and praised
they wanted to propagate, to multiply their own kind
they wanted their insecurities banished
their old age cared for
their illnesses eased
their legacies certain and their heroism sung
they wanted life without death without illness without pain
without the earning of it.

it was the men who couldn’t be bothered,
who would not be concerned with anything but their ownselves
and what of us? not a thought.

stupid, greedy, thoughtless
but that was the point, their point:
they were the only ones that mattered.

it hurt so much i fell and wet myself
and out came a kidney stone
i feel fine now
there was only a little blood in the urine.

you spoke
she remembered
in the even, calm tempo of one who had seen
and survived
so much worse

i wish, she wept, i had gone home then
perhaps you wouldn’t have died so soon.