Grief ...

I want to die, and be with you …
that is all i can say out loud today.
and sometimes it is all I can think.
This place is such a lonely, lonely place.

I return again and again to the space
we met
in which you knew me
wanted me
loved me.

I felt it then
i feel it now
like sun
like snow
like fields strewn in diamonds rippling in moonlight
over blankets of white sewn in trees.
you’d woken me to see the northern lights
faint but there in pink and green.
i was shivering and you drew me into your warmth
silence so big and full of sound
hearts beating, trees creaking, ice skittering
a wild animal gave voice to its kind
others stilled
not wanting to be prey
in the velvet ink of night.

I knew you best in nature
flowers and leaves and grasses around us
my height barely past your knee at first
the brush concealed me
and i peered in wonder at this world you knew
and shared with me.

Geese and swans and ducks
the great blue heron
swallows and robins, sky blue eggs
acorn caps and maple leaves, elm and oak and pussy willows
queen anne’s lace and soldier’s rags
dandelions
caterpillars and crickets
monarchs and moths
crocuses
lily in the valley
cver.

I chased a baby robin and caught her
you admonished me and
i was heartbroken.
I did not realize then the relationship of mother and child
the role of the mother, her need, the child’s need
the principle of choice or the phenomenon of luck
and how little of that there truly is,
especially in contrast with carelessness.
I knew only achievement of catching her.
Selfishness,
my first difficult lesson
Loss was the second, and yet also the
power of compassion and empathy in healing.
It was mickey, our black and white cat.
Sweet and playful cat, he was small and quick.
We let him play outside and one day i found him
bleeding and peppered in maggots
in the window well.
I was too young to fear his wounds
to recognize them or their gravity
to sense death.
But he called to me and i knew something was wrong.
I took you to him, and you ordered me back
not unkindly,
but to keep me distance in case he bit
while you surveyed him and
gently
picked him up.

In that moment, you taught me
compassion and empathy in wounding and sickness and death.
Healer, you taught me to have no fear,
that pain and loss are our companions too,
that death is the same process as life.

You took in the wounded ones always
and you always healed,
no matter the outcome,
no matter how many we brought you
kittens and bunnies and butterflies,
baby birds and frogs and friends
ourselves, our hearts our minds
our bodies
all broken as you were.
It is only one of many gifts you left me.

I remember you
I respect you
I forgive you
I claim you
I love you
always.

2/16/2021
(12/28/2020 but wordless until now)
in memory …